experienced learning
by ashlovesCM
Summary: Ashley never could come to terms with her father's true nature. So when she is put in foster care after her mom couldn't cope and dumps her at hospital she starts to lose hope. She was living for the day she could leave the foster home when she was given a magazine containing an article on self harm... But can she stop what happens next if she started it? and does she want to?
1. the first cut

*****Warning! This does describe self harm and may include depression and eating disorders in the possible future quite graphically so please remember that before you start reading. I'd really hate if this triggered you so if you think it might **_**please**_** don't read it. **

Fifteen-year-old Ashley Seaver sat in an introverted position in the waiting room of her psychologist while she waited for her foster mother to pick her up. In her left hand she was subconsciously gripping tightly to the magazine the psychologist had given her to read. Other teenagers who attended 'appointments' like hers wrote articles in it and he had thought it might make her feel like she wasn't so different. But she was. These kids might have problems but their fathers hadn't killed twenty five women before they even saw in their thirteenth birthday. Their mother hadn't abandoned them at hospital with nothing but a bag of clothes and a note saying she couldn't cope.

Ashley felt the familiar pricks of tears pressing at her eyes so she took a deep breath and began the breathing technique she'd been taught to cope with panic attacks. Once she had done countless cycles of the repetitive breathing she felt the emotions subside and her body relaxed a little.

She glanced down at her watch and sighed- it was normal for Karen to be late but she'd been waiting for half an hour now. She rolled her eyes and flipped open the magazine, her eyes skimming across the page to find something that she was interested in. Her attention was suddenly caught when she read the words 'self harm' in big red letters. Underneath the title was a large article with smaller ones scattered across the page.

The only time she'd heard someone talk about self harm was when a rumor went round that a 10th grader, with a name she couldn't recall, was caught cutting in the girls' bathroom.

Ashley glanced up at the people around her; the receptionist was chewing on a piece of gum while she sorted files and a woman sat next to her son opposite her with an embarrassed expression. No one would notice if she just read a bit. And reading wasn't the same as actually doing it, right?

She flicked her eyes back to the page and slide them through the writing as fast as she could. When she finished the article she looked round, expecting to see people staring at her in disgust, but the waiting room hadn't changed in the time she'd spent reading. So she looked back at the article and read it a second time, taking more time to understand and feel each word as it processed in her mind.

She had finished the second round of reading and was about o start a third time when she heard the door open and a huffing grunt come from Karen. Ashley quickly closed the magazine, safely tucked it into her bag and followed her foster mom out to the car park where the car was waiting.

It wasn't uncommon for Ashley to spend the entire day in her room so no one thought twice when she went straight up after her appointment. As the saying goes kids were cruel, especially when those kids had been thrown from one foster home to the next and the victim was none other than the daughter of a serial killer.

The foster home housed ten children and teenagers in total; 6 boys, 4 girls. As one of the rules, to avoid accusations of stealing, everyone was required to keep toiletries and all other personal possessions in their rooms.

Ashley dug out her razor, for shaving her legs, out of her toiletry bag and carefully popped the blade out. For a few moments she twiddled the blade round between her index finger and thumb before she quickly pushed up her sleeve and rested the cold metal on her soft pink skin.

"Just one little cut" She whispered to herself as she gently pressed down on the blade. She only went through the first few layers when droplets of blood sprung to the surface. Ashley pulled the blade away and fixed her eyes on the sticky red liquid.

She hadn't expected the rush of something she could only guess as adrenaline and the enjoyment at seeing her own blood but there it was.

She closed her eyes for a moment to enjoy the feelings when a film started playing inside her head.

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"FBI!" A man yelled as federal agents poured into Ashley's house. Hotch stealthily moved through the house with Rossi and two agents following him. He came to an abrupt Holt when he saw their suspect, Charles Beauchamp, holding a hunting knife in his right hand with his left arm wrapped round his fourteen year old daughter Ashley. "Charles put the knife down" Hotch instructed sternly.

"Do you really think I'm that stupid?" Charles asked with a glimmer of arrogance in his eyes. Hotch and Rossi knew that Charles would be watching the investigation and the cameras around the house would have probably told Charles they were coming.

"No, I think you're confused and desperate. But this isn't Ashley's fault. Just put the knife down and we can talk about this" Hotch said slowly as he edged forward slightly.

"Talk?" Charles said and let out an evil laugh that made Ashley shiver. He pulled the girl tighter to him and pressed the knife even close to her throat. "I saw the press conference, _Aaron_. I'm a highly functioning, well planned psychopath and narcissist. I don't get confused or desperate. I plan and I win" Charles said in a sickly sweet tone.

"You think this is _winning_?" Rossi blurted out with a confused and angry look. He quickly holstered his gun and took a step closer to Charles so he was in front and to the side of Hotch who shot him a look. "Your house is _swarming _with federal agents, your killing spree is over and you're going to jail for the rest of your life. And to top it off the only bargaining chip you've got left is your own flesh and blood" Rossi stated as he added satisfaction to his facial expression.

"It doesn't stop me killing her!" Charles shouted as he desperately clung to Ashley with a worried and almost upset look on his face.

"Put the knife down Charles. You've done enough damage" Rossi sighed. Charles gasped for air as his belief that he had won came crumbling down on top of him. His left arm flopped to his side releasing Ashley, who ran to Rossi, then he dropped the knife which made the girl yelp from fear as she was ushered outside.

Ashley was taken to a waiting ambulance where they checked her over, gave her a hot drink and shock blanket and sat her down on the back of the open ambulance. She could feel the tears that were spilling out of her eyes drying onto her cheeks in salty trails but she was in too much of a state to care.

Her father was led outside, with Hotch holding tightly to the cuffs that were restraining his hands behind his back, and pushed into a police car.

"Look at me" Ashley whispered under her breath as a cop jumped into the front of the car and started the engine. "Look at me" She begged as her father kept his eyes glued ahead of him. She couldn't stop the whimper that escaped her lips as the car pulled away from her and down the road.

He was gone. The only person who cared about her was a murderer and even he had left her without looking back.

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She wasn't even thinking when she placed the blade back onto her skin, only a few millimeters above the first cut, and pressed down again. She kept repeating the movement until she reached her seventh cut and she told herself to stop.

She watched the blood drip a little longer before reaching for a tissue and dabbing it away. She then placed the small blade under a few pairs of jeans in her bottom draw and pulled her sleeve down. The fabric rubbing against her open cuts stung a little but she didn't mind, it had been worth it.

**I've been mulling over writing something for Ashley for quite a while now and after watching 'Today I do' again it became pretty obvious that I had to explore some of the stuff mentioned in the warning at the top of this. It just seemed like Ashley was talking from experience when she explained about why teenage girls (and people in general) self harm/eating disorders. This was originally written as a one shot but if there is enough people asking for some more then it's something I'll definitely consider. Well, hope you liked it! :)**


	2. scars on the skin

Ashley paused outside of the meeting room, in the foster home, and took a deep breath. She'd read in the newspaper that today was her father's trial, what if this was a reporter? She told herself it couldn't be and slowly eased open the door to see agent Rossi sitting on one of the sofas. He turned his head to her and smiled softly, waving a hand to the sofa opposite to indicate for her to sit down. She quickly did and looked up at him nervously.

Subconsciously she pulled down her sleeves and Rossi gave her a concerned look. Ashley was too nervous to even notice the way he was looking at her so he cleared his throat. "Your father has been sentenced to life in prison without parole" Rossi sighed; he didn't know any other way to tell a fifteen year old something like this.

"He... He's never getting out?" She asked, her voice barely a whisper, as a tear pressed against her eye that she refused to let out. Rossi slowly shook his head and gave an apologetic look; as much as Charles deserved to be punished the side effects on Ashley were devastating.

"I'm sorry, Ashley" Rossi said softly as the tear she had been trying to hold in trailed down her face.

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"David?" Ashley asked with a confused look on her face. She'd been waiting in the meeting room for half an hour after the social worker had said she needed to talk to her, she hadn't expected for the FBI agent to turn up. Two weeks had passed since her father had been sentenced and in that time her cutting had spiralled out of control.

"Ashley, there's something we need to tell you" The social worker, Helen, said softly as Rossi sat down next to her. Ashley subconsciously placed her hand on the most injured arm and tried to steady her breathing, what could this be about?

Rossi glanced to Helen to see if she would explain then decided to take the lead. "The police have found your mom, Ashley" He said softly.

"W- Where is she?" Ashley asked urgently. The last time she had seen her mom she was dropping her off at the hospital and telling her she was going to take a break but she'd be back soon.

"They found her outside your father's prison" He said slowly then waited for the information to sink in. "She had taken an overdose of painkillers... They called an ambulance but it was too late. I'm sorry, Ashley" Rossi explained then watched the girl crumple inward.

"No" Ashley whispered and hugged herself tightly. "You're wrong... it can't be her" She cried, her chest heaving up and down from grief and stress.

"She left a suicide note" Helen said blankly and offered the paper to her. Rossi shot her a look and gave Ashley a tissue.

"She said she'd come back" Ashley said as her body began shaking from the affects of a fresh panic attack she made no attempt to control. "She _promised_ me"

"Ashley, calm down" Helen instructed without conviction as she saw the physical affects taking hold of the girl's body.

"She promised!" Ashley screamed as tears streamed down her face.

Rossi quickly moved himself next to Ashley and wrapped an arm around the fragile frame. "It's ok" The man hushed the little girl who clung tightly to him, sobbing heavily.

"She promised" Ashley whispered into Rossi's shoulder as the last bit of strength was dragged out of her.

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Ashley removed all her clothing, revealing the scars and fresh cuts covering her skinny frame, and stepped onto the scales for the third time that day. She scribbled down her weight into her diary then slipped on her sports clothes and began abdominal crunches.

"Ashley!" a young girl, Mia, called from downstairs. Mia was practically the only person who hadn't made a joke about her mother's suicide or her father being a serial killer but she was only six and too young to understand stuff like that. "Ashley! Mail!" Mia called again.

Ashley tried her best to ignore the girl and continued her exhausting workout until a knock came on the door. "Ashley, there's a letter for you" Mia said softly through the door.

Ashley panted heavily as she recovered from the intense workout and tried to steady her breathing. "Just slide it under the door" Ashley said as calmly as she could. Mia paused for a moment then followed her instructions and skipped away from Ashley's room.

Once the sound of the girl's feet had faded away Ashley rested her head on the floor in relief before dragging herself over to the letter when her curiosity got too much. Stamped on the top was the name of a prison; her father's prison.

Ashley felt her heart stop beating as the letter dropped from her hands and her mind went into overdrive. She felt physically sick and the room around her spun. Her chest rose and fell in rapid movements as her muscles cried out for oxygen; something she couldn't give them while she was absorbed in a panic attack.

For a few minutes Ashley didn't even try to calm herself down but when her vision began to become dark and her body ached from the lack of oxygen she realised she'd have to do something. She reverted to the first, and most used, breathing technique she'd learned. In with the smell and colour of freshly cut grass, out with the deep red colour fire and the smell of burning. "Breath" Ashley whispered to herself as she let her body slide down the wall she was leaning against till she was sat on the floor. "Just breath" She told herself and placed a hand on her racing heart.

Her breathing slowly regulated to a normal pace and, after a few more minutes resting on the floor, Ashley picked herself up and dragged herself towards the letter. She turned it over so she wouldn't have to read the name again then placed it in the same box she kept her diary and locked it. No one was going to read the twisted words her father had written... If that meant locking them into a box so not even she could have some comfort then so be it.

**First off: thanks for the follows! It took me a little longer than usual to write the second chapter just because i wasn't expecting anybody to take any interest. The fact that i managed to catch two people's attention in just one chapter still makes me smile like an idiot. Anyway, this chapter i thought i'd add in an eating disorder and some stuff that would contribute to Ashley feeling depressed and make the urges to cut stronger. I had quite a bit of room to run with the ideas surrounding her parents as they aren't mentioned a great deal in CM so it was a lot of fun to bring the mom into play as a contributor to Ashley's problems. Next chapter i wanna make things a little less dark (although i can't promise it will be all that sunny for a while) and maybe start Ashley's recovery? I'm still not sure yet so please remember to review if you've got time and i hope you enjoyed the chapter! **


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